


How not to seduce a hobbit

by Doitsuki



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Inspired by livestream conversation, M/M, thorin's murderous arousal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-11 00:09:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3308342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doitsuki/pseuds/Doitsuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin wants Bilbo. Bilbo isn't sure. Thorin has a certain way of expressing himself that just might be a little terrifying...</p>
            </blockquote>





	How not to seduce a hobbit

**Author's Note:**

> -Bagginshield Semi-Crack Drabble Fic-  
> Setting: Post BOTFA, Thorin is king, everyone lives nobody dies. Very OOC. May contain keks. Warning for slight dubcon-seeming actions. IS NSFW! It’s weird shit, I wrote it on my phone in a few hours. Enjoy lel

Bilbo wandered throughout the halls of Erebor, not looking for anything or anyone in particular. Walking was one of the things he did to clear his mind and his current thoughts had been worryingly focused on Thorin. Ah, Thorin. The King under the Mountain with his majestic stance and sultry gaze, fabulous hair and powerful voice. Sometimes Bilbo could not speak to him for the stammering, blushing mess he turned to when Thorin’s attention became focused on him, only him. He thought those eyes could see into his soul. Quite frankly, Thorin believed so too.

Thorin was pacing back and forth in his room, slowly mastering the art of looking stressed without tripping over his long fur coat as he moved. His hands folded behind his back and head down, he glared with such intensity towards the floor it was a wonder it didn’t crumble beneath him. His mind had become obsessed with Bilbo, his little burglar turned best friend and as of late, love interest. Thorin had been trying to rationalise all morning how best he could make sense of the things he wanted. He wanted Bilbo to gaze upon him with more than the adoration of his people, to not see that head of curls bowed down in reverence, shyness or fear. He wanted to seat Bilbo in his lap, on his throne, with mountains of gold around them able to reflect the things they would do. Oh, what Thorin would do to him. It brought an insatiable lust to his very core just thinking about it. Similar to the feeling he’d experienced when first entering the treasure room, Thorin could feel it spreading and erasing any logical thought he may have had. He wanted to claim Bilbo, because who did he belong to if not Thorin? The hobbit was loyal, sweet and would never deny his King anything at all. Slowly, a smirk spread across Thorin’s face. He was the richest person in Middle-Earth. Still, he wanted more. And he thought of Bilbo, in his arms held tight and unable to escape. That was what he wanted. What he needed.

”Mine…” he whispered to himself, clenching his hands into fists.

"Um, what?" a confused voice spoke from the door, and Thorin whirled around to see the object of his desire standing plainly before him. Bilbo tilted his head to the side a little and flashed a smile for an instant, before squeezing his eyebrows together in apparent concern. "Thorin, are you alright?"

Thorin crossed the room within seconds and pulled Bilbo in, forcing the door shut with his shoulder as he currently had his hands full. The hobbit yelped like a cat thrown off a roof and struggled momentarily, until all was still and his head was turned in such an angle he felt his neck would snap. His eyes met Thorin’s (albeit sideways) and he looked incredibly confused. “What are you doing?”

Thorin immediately released Bilbo, cheeks heated yet dark from the shadows cast across his face. He stared, hands folded behind his back once more as he resumed pacing only in a circle around Bilbo as if he were a lion stalking prey. Bilbo’s eyebrows lowered and his entire face tensed, eyes carefully watching the king with great suspicion and no sense being made of the situation at all. “You’re acting very… strange.” he remarked with a lilting tone to his voice, not trying in the slightest to hide his alarm. He’d seen Thorin go mad before and wasn’t looking forward to seeing it again. Suddenly Thorin lashed out and threw his hands up into the air.

"The sky is blue! My hair is black! Water is wet! I love you! _ARE WE DONE STATING THE OBVIOUS?!"_ he shouted, eyes fixed upon Bilbo with their grey-blue depths burning like cold fire. His breathing had become harsh, and stance quite aggressive. Bilbo stepped back a moment and thought ‘ _Well, shit_.’

"Could you perhaps… repeat that last part? I’m not quite sure I-" Bilbo was sharply cut off by an icy grip around his waist, Thorin moving with deadly speed and efficiency to lift Bilbo with all his strength and throw him onto the bed. Though the covers were stone grey the mattress beneath was quite soft and Bilbo sank deeply into the bed, deeper still as Thorin pounced on him in a flurry of metallic clinks and fur.

 _’This is how I die._ ’ Bilbo told himself, eyes shut and waiting for the inevitable. Something sharp clamped at his neck and he cried out, thrashing around like a fish dipped in cocaine. But there was warmth added now, and a dark growl commanding him to stay still. When he opened his eyes, Bilbo found himself with a mark by his neck and Thorin’s hand firmly pressed down on his chest. He could feel the slight scratch of coarse hair by his sensitive skin, and when he turned he realised Thorin was resting his head just over his shoulder. Unfortunately Bilbo’s neck was quite ticklish and he wanted to collapse into himself at the feeling of Thorin nuzzling him with his nose like a puppy starved for affection. Bilbo squirmed, reaching his hands around Thorin’s back to try and pull him off. He succeeded in getting Thorin to rise for just a moment… but only long enough so he could tear off his coat and begin working at the clasps of his tunic. ‘ _Ohh no no no no…'_ Bilbo panicked internally, eyes wide and darting all over Thorin's body as it was slowly revealed to him. Every scar and single hair caught the hobbit's attention, along with the movement of Thorin's hands along his firmly sculpted abdomen to the waistband of his breeches…

Two more hands closed around Thorin’s. The dwarf stopped for a moment and looked at Bilbo, who was determinedly staring at his crotch. From desire rather than insecurity Thorin slid his hands lower, Bilbo’s fingers trembling as they followed. Naturally his legs parted, the slightest tilt of his hips forth indicating where he wanted Bilbo to go. And those fingers hooked into the thin fabric just barely concealing Thorin’s arousal, prominent and obvious as one set of hands moved away and trailed along the sides of Bilbo’s body. Bilbo’s hand cupped beneath Thorin as the space between them shrank, until it was trapped with nothing to do but feel. A long, deep groan spilled from Thorin’s lips and this caught Bilbo’s attention, causing him to glance up. What he saw struck fear within his heart.

Thorin’s hair hung about his face as he bent over Bilbo, shadowing everything from his wispy eyebrows to angled nose. His eyes like glacial spirits pierced through the darkness, bright and intense with dilated pupils and murderous intent. And his teeth poked sharply through a hungry grin, excitement and insanity crystal clear.

"Th-Thorin what…" Bilbo stuttered, legitimately fearing for his life. There were hands up his shirt now, warm and strong as they held him down with a clear indication of possession.

"Yes…?" Thorin asked, his voice low and lips brushing against Bilbo’s. The hobbit turned his face, pale with horror and an overwhelming sense of ‘do not want.‘

“Stop it… You’re scaring me—" Bilbo felt Thorin suddenly pinch his nipples and gasped, hoping they were still there.

"This is how I am, Bilbo. **LOVE ME.** ” There was force in Thorin’s words, leaving no room for argument. His face twisted into something even more menacing, and that was when Bilbo snapped. His natural instincts kicked in and within seconds he shoved Thorin up from his crotch, hand pushing him away so quickly there was soon ripped clothing and exposed nipples between them. Thorin grunted as he felt the pressure between his legs disappear, pain replaced by shock as he was now on his back, shirtless and hard with no sign of Bilbo anywhere. He backflipped off the bed and landed by the door, head poking out only to see Bilbo round the corner at the end of the hall.

“COME BACK!!” he shouted, “LET ME LOVE YOU!”

Bilbo was long gone.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*

The next day, Bilbo had been expertly avoiding Thorin with his sneaky hobbit skills and silent steps away from anyone who might report his presence to the King. Too frightened to wear his Ring for fear of its corrupting influence and wraith-vision that dulled the senses, he had to rely on his own innate ability to stay hidden as the entire population of Erebor was sent looking for him. He needed somewhere to hide, somewhere nobody would think to look. Come to think of it, there was probably no one in the throneroom at this time, seeing as everyone was scouring the halls for Bilbo. And there were some treasure chests behind the throne, places one could hide if they were skinny enough. He crept in and was just about to make a run for the throne when he saw a shadow move beside it. From the echoing darkness he heard the rustle of cloth, and saw a spiked silhouette inching along the tall carved pillars.

Cripes and crumpets. It was Thorin.

”Stop.” his voice called as if knowing Bilbo was going to flee “Come closer.”

For all the fear Bilbo held for Thorin’s deathly glare, he could not resist the commanding tone and subtle hand gesture that beckoned him over. Nervously he stepped forth, until they were within reasonable speaking distance. Thorin turned to face Bilbo and opened his coat, revealing that he wore absolutely nothing underneath. Bilbo’s widening eyes flicked up to see Thorin wearing a pair of sunglasses, his gaze obscured. And then he spoke, voice like the rumble of thunder rolling across the sky.

"Love me." said Thorin softly, his coat dropping to the floor. " _Please_." 

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the dialogue was directly taken from random conversation lines that inspired this fic. Hence the seemingly random affection business ahah


End file.
